Undefined and unfinished

You can’t really define depression as some kind of pain. Depression is not just pain. Depression is a feeling of plain nothingness. You feel nothing and people around you just don’t get it. People say one should talk about it, nobody says how. Depression is the kind of pain somebody suffering is not even feeling because he just doesn’t care anymore. It’s hard. It’s so damn hard to deal with such feelings, feelings of self-pity, low self esteem. It’s just you all alone against these feelings. And there comes a point when you’re so tired of struggling, that you lose your will to win. All you want is breakfree, either from life or your feelings. You want your feelings to leave you alone and free, but if not then you wish they choke you to death and end the struggle for once and for all. 
And I leave this unfinished to keep you thinking…


Hey there, Best Friend!

One million memories, Ten thousand inside jokes, A hundred shared secrets, One reason: BEST FRIENDS…

2022.2 km away, in a completely different state and a completely new city lives this crazy girl who also happens to be my first ever friend. Look, I don’t really remember how we became friends but all that’s etched in my memory in the year ‘2002’. Funnily enough we later turned out to have been born in the same neighborhood.  Such coincidences! From kids to adults, it’s been a pretty long journey and we’ve collected a bucket full of memories although there is a long way to go (I have not forgotten about Japan, it’s still on the list. We’ll save up.) Let me remind you that I’m pretty bad at expressing such feelings and a completely non-emotional insaan. But ever since you’ve left the city, things have not been the same. (Obviously!)

No more impromptu plans because not every person is as idle as we are or probably used to be. No more landing up at each others’ place. No more intense food discussions. No more plans that would actually never be executed in future. No more roaming around without a reason. No more deep talks. No more breaking the deadline. No more judging people together. No more philosophical conversations. No more me telling you stop overreacting (Yeah, that look. Remember?) No more you telling me to act a little girly at least. No more inside jokes.

We have a long, long bucket list that we are ticking off once we become rich (Yeah, hopefully!) Looking forward to seeing you soon. Have fun in the new city. Make new friends but no best friends.( Nah! Nope!)


Life is short and it’s high time we accept the reality.

” I want to do this but…” Can you relate to this? There must have been a lot of times when you said something that began like this. There is lot of things we desire, things that would make us feel alive, things that make us happy. But hurdles are a part of life. A lot of things that hold us back but one thing that keeps us going. Hope. Hope keeps us going. Hope makes us move forward. A hope that tells us that something wonderful awaits. But most of us give up by just looking at the negative possibilities. That is the thing with human perception, perception of failure. The question, ” What if I fail?” holds us back from achieving what we truly want and are capable of. The answer is simple, “So what?” So what is you fail? Failure is not the end. Failure is a new beginning, a new opportunity. We would start taking ourselves seriously only when we realise that it’s just one life that we have and if we let the reins of our life in the hands of the society, the people around us, then the only thing we’d end up with is regret. Regret of not being able to achieve what we could have. To do what we could have. To confess what we could have. It’s high time we realise that it’s our life and the only life we have and take the reins in our hands and drive it to a beautiful heaven we create. 


How safe is she?

As soon as she takes her little steps in this big yet small world, she enters a place that could turn out to be a beautiful heaven to her or a burning hell. Depends. Her birth could be celebrated or she could be aborted. Even after being born, the world is no less unsafe for her.

When she’s a toddler, she’s pried upon by a relative who looks at her with lustful eyes, eyes that ignore the innocence of a kid and a brain that does not know what is right, or maybe it does but does not care. He holds her and caresses her and tells her that she gets a chocolate for every time she keeps her mouth shut to her parents about his ‘dirty deeds’. Maybe she does fall into the trap. Maybe she doesn’t.

She grows up a little. She’s a school going kid now. She has a just-turned-18 neighbor who asks her to play a game with her and his own cousins and siblings. She in her innocence says a yes thinking she would learn a new game. Hardly does she know what lies ahead. he calls the game the doctor game. She realizes she knows the game. But she’s told by him that the game is a little different. In this game their whole body would be examined. Everyone agrees. He touches them inappropriately and they let him because they’re hardly about a game being ‘inappropriate’. Moreover nobody else resists, so why should she? Because if she does, she would be acting rude. And saying a no is something bad right? That’s what a kid is taught.

She still feels that there is something not right but she cannot expresses it at home because she has no clue how would her parents react. The feeling develops into anxiety that starts showing up at school and once-a-bright kid now turns a dumb kid with low self esteem and confidence. Still nobody realizes that there must be  something wrong. She somehow fights her fears and comes out stronger all alone.

She grows up to be a teenager and she is looked at by almost every alternate person she passes by. When she complains about it to people older than her, she is told that maybe she was dressed too boldly. She is told that it is her mistake. What mistake, is something they always fail to justify.

She grows up into an adult and now she knows that she is nowhere at fault yet she fails to prove it to all people who blame her. She falls in love and hangs out with her beloved. With her belief in humanity that has yet not faded with time she boards an empty bus at night that offers them help. She’s raped and almost murdered. An incident that would shatter her spirit as well as her faith in humanity. Maybe she survives. Maybe she leaves for a place more safe and peaceful.

She grows up and gets married. She has a husband who forces himself upon her every night not caring about consent because he is her husband and she, her property. When she resists, she’s beaten up, screamed at, thrown swears at and maybe killed. You could see cigarette burns on her body. If she survives and tries to go to court, she’s stopped by her own family members in the name of the image and reputation of the family and if she goes against all odds and goes to court, she’s denied justice because hey, Marital Rape ain’t a crime.

And this cycle of suffering goes on till her last breath.

Some of us are lucky enough to not fall in such circumstances but we need not forget that the risk is pretty high and unpredictable as well.

Make this world a better place.


This is what i would tell the younger me.

All of us have at one or the another point of time in life thought about going back in time to undo a few things and re-live some moments. What if someday life gave you a chance to meet the younger self? The ‘you’ who still is hidden behind those curtains and doesn’t know what the real world looks like. The one that believes in fairytales and looks at this world through rose tinted glasses. This letter is to my younger self.

 Dear younger self, 

I am glad that you look forward to standing out of the crowd at such a tender age. Your grades are great but don’t let them get to your head and neither let bad grades make your demotivated as things would get out of hand sometimes. There would be a lot a distractions and that is okay, don’t blame you’re self later for doing what made you feel happy at the moment. You’d experience your first adrenaline rush you’d call love soon. Live in the moment but don’t expect too much. You would face your first rejection but don’t let it shatter you. Rejections make us come in terms with reality. You’re gut feeling is always right, remember that. You lately stood for yourself and that at a young age is a brave thing to do, continue doing this and do not give in to dominance. Remember that you would not always be rewarded for your achievements but cherish the moment because winning is going to get tougher now. I won’t tell you to not be scared but now it’s time to face them. Be scared and do it anyway. Things will not go according to the plan and that is okay. Don’t let other people dull your shine because, remember you’re unique. Never stop talking to nature, you’d always find peace there. You’d come across traitors dressed as friends. Don’t let that stop you believing in friendships. Speak your mind but keep quiet for fools. They are not worth your time. You’d come across a lot of unexpected situations, face them with a brave heart and a smile. Eventually things would fall into place.

Lots of love.

Future you.

That was my advice for the younger me. What would you tell your younger self if given a chance? Comment below.

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