Are you okay? Why don’t you join us for the trip? It will make you feel good, trust me.’
‘Thank you so much but I don’t think I’ll be able to come along. You guys have fun.’
‘Don’t think about it so much, it’ll be okay.’
It’ll be okay? No it won’t be okay. It will never be okay. It would only get worse. Have you ever experienced a feeling that’s choking you? When nothing could cheer you up? Not even your passion? The things you love? Nothing? When all you want to do is either stare blankly at a wall and not utter a word or just throw things around, break a few of them and cry abundantly? Have you had days when you want to talk to people about what is going inside you but you don’t have any words and moreover you think no one would understand? Days when you want to just lie in your bed and sleep for hours or days maybe? Days when you want to sleep but sleep takes its leave and you just wait for the night to get over? Days when you forget things easily just because you weren’t that attentive and people call you careless? People don’t understand?
But then you have to survive the reality.
You wake up every day, follow your usual routine and go back to bed. Your body has now started working more like a machine, a machine that works according to its settings. You stop feeling things. Sometimes, there are days when you sit numb. Whatever people say doesn’t bother you. People start walking away. Slowly you realize there is no one you can go to and borrow a shoulder to cry on without answering any questions. Your brain starts telling you that you’re worthless and you kind of agree. You realize you had always been the second choice for people. You realize that no one values you. You realize you’re ugly. Then one evening you stand in front of the mirror and stare at your reflection and ask it, ‘Am I really unattractive?” and it laughs at your foolishness. You know the answer is ‘yes’. You slowly analyze your reflection. You begin with your hair, undone and tangled. Then you look at your eyes. Below them are dark shadows depicting sleeplessness. You tummy has become flabby due to binge eating. But then you move away, hopeless and unbothered. Then comes the night. Your eyes are wide open at 1:45 in the night and you know it’s one of those long sleepless nights. But this time you decide to walk to the terrace to greet the night. You adjust yourself on the boundary somehow and look at the sky. Dark, but not really black. It sort of has a bluish touch. It holds the stars you try to look at them but then you are carried away by thoughts. You realize that the sky is similar to your current life. Dark, quiet but not peaceful unlike the night. You sit there without even realizing that hours have passed by. Within these hours you’ve mostly been blank, no thoughts visit you. Then you realize that the sun is about to rise and you need to go back to your routine. You wonder when will the sun of your life rise to make it bright again then you try to smile weakly and go back to your room.
That is the beautiful ugliness of depression.
You know you’ll fight it and fight it but never give up. Never let it take over dominance. Why?
Because you were born to win.
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